Dinosaurs at Duskull
#1
?How did we get into this?? I said.
?I don?t know how you got in, but I was barely caught,? said Jessica.
?Ya, sure. I saw you get captured and thrown in this jail,? I said somewhat sarcastically. Hmmmmm?. Let?s see. Oh, ya. It all started when?.
Ding! ?I know have a Mankey? with a hat,? I thought to myself. I just saved a Mankey and a Primeape from Nick, a thieve. I am Scar, and I am from Tuop with my partner, Chimchar. As I threw the pokeball at Mankey, I realized he was wearing my hat still, and a cloud of dust was approaching.
The cloud of dust was still coming closer by the minute. I looked over as I hopped out of the helicopter. Squinting, I could make out tons of Cranidos. With a small gray tyrannosaurus rex like torso with blue on the back and arms, a longish blue tail with a pointed end, and a small gray head with a blue bony top and four spikes going around his head and red, sharp eyes, he easily could be underestimated in power. Getting closer by the minute, the area was quickly evacuated. I stayed behind and watched the small paradise become scavenged for everything. They took apart the helicopter and carried it away, piece-by-piece. They picked every tree of every berry. They took the rocks and the flowers, the small homes and the bushes. They took everything. I saw a small squad of them carrying the fisherman I met when I caught Poliwag. ?Go, Poliwag,? I whispered as I released my first-caught pokemon. ?Use water gun.? She sprayed water gun at the small squad of Cranidos and they dropped the fisherman and ran away. ?Return.? I said putting my pokemon in his Pokeball and walking towards him. ?What happened?? I asked.
?They captured me. Why don?t you battle me? And incase I didn?t tell you, name?s Joseph.? He responded.
?Why would we battle at a time like this?? I responded, extremely confused.
?Why wouldn?t we? They don?t just have Cranidos; they?ve got all kinds of extinct pokemon. We could use the practice.?
I nodded. ?Go, Mankey!? I said as I let my hatted pokemon out of his prison. He threw a pokeball witch released a small pale pokemon with big light blue ears, two small blue circles on his cheeks with pale in the center creating a minus sign, small blue stubs as hands, and a blue tail in a minus form. It was a Minun.
?To make this more interesting, let?s put in bets. All your pokeballs back. If I win, I get all your cash,? He said. I hesitated, and then nodded. The battle begun.
?Mankey, use your low kick attack!? I said as my newest pokemon ran up close to the foe Minun, suddenly, stopping himself with his hands, he knocked the pokemon of his feet with a smooth kicking motion.
?Minun, use your thunder!? Joseph yelled as his Pokemon sent a jolt of electricity at Mankey. It hit him and sent him into the air, being electrocuted. He fell on his hands and knees, smoke coming of off his back. ?Ha, still weak. Now, finish the weakling with a powerful thunder punch!?
Minun?s hand was covered in electricity as he ran towards Mankey. Mankey dodged, the punch barely touching his nose. Mankey grabbed Minun?s arm and turned the Pokemon facing him. He threw a series of punches and kicks, together making a powerful fighting type attack. Close combat. Minun stepped back and fell to the ground. But he somehow managed to pull himself up.
?Minun, use your quick attack!? Joseph said as Minun went into a tackle so fast, he was almost invisible. He hit Mankey, sending him a few feet back.
?Mankey use your Karate Chop!? I yelled, Mankey, making his and into a flat surface with the flat part pointing sideways. He jumped towards Minun and slammed his hand into the Pokemon?s head. Minun fell with swirls in his eyes.
?No! You beat me! How did you cheat! I declare a rematch!? Joseph said frustratingly.
?I won. Now hand over the prize,? I responded calmly.
?NEVER! You cheat!? The word ?cheat? stung. I had never cheated at anything in my life. ?What kind of steroids did you use, huh??
?Just hand over the prize,? I said less calmly.
?Would you give your computer to a thieve? I don?t think so!?
?Just hand it over or else I?ll? I?ll!? I yelled this time, losing all signs of calmness.
?Your to kind to do anything. You? You? Softy!?
I punched him. I punched him so hard, right in the nose. ?Or I?ll do that.? I said as he held his nose in both hands. He gave me the Pokeballs.
?I can?t believe you, of all people, could catch a fighting type pokemon. When we were kids, Caterpies had no patience around you.?
?You!? I yelled pointing at him. ?I hate you!?
?Your still mad about that??
?You stole and released my first Pokemon!?
?It was miserable.?
?We were best friends! Until you stole the pokeball and released him! He wouldn?t come back because he thought I released him!?
?It hated you. I could tell.?
?He was a he,? I mumbled.
?What was that??
?He was a he, not an it!?
?Whatever,? Joseph said; turning around and walking into the forest away from the place the Cranidos were headed. I walked back in the direction of the path.
?I wonder where the Cranidos were headed,? I thought to myself. I found a very tall tree. I slowly and carefully climbed to the top of the tree. I looked out and saw the nearest city. I look to the right and saw a large wasteland. I saw the Cranidos. I looked a few feet away on the ground, still in the forest and there was a girl with an Evee and a Marill.
?Evee, use quick attack, Marill water gun!? the girl said. The Pokemon used these and fainted four of the Cranidos, but there was just too many. Three Archen came down and swooped the pokemon and trainer away.
?What are they doing?? I thought to myself. But then it hit me. How do they get all those extinct Pokemon? That?s what they were doing. They were making a fossil reviving machine. But what was their leader going to do with all these pokemon?
Before I could ask myself another question, the tree started shaking. I looked down and a Rampardos, the evolution of Cranidos, was bashing his powerful, bony head into the trunk of the tree. When he finally stopped, a Bastiodon was trying to knock the tree over also. Bastiodon was the evolution of Shieldon. It had a head that looked like a wall, black with spikes across the top. With a small yellow body though, this Pokemon had high defense, but low speed. The tree had a large trunk, and the revived fossils had enough. A Kabutops came. Kabutops has a scythe for each hand, and spikes all across his back. He, with one slash of his hand, cut down the tree. Before I could hit the floor, an Aerodactyl caught me. Aerodactyl is a flying extinct pokemon. He was purple and had no hands, just wings. He flew off with me.
He flew me out into the wasteland and when we were above a large trench stretching very far, I could see what they did with everything. There was a large machine that resembled the bottom of a tank. In fact, it was the bottom of a tank! It wasn?t finished, but tons of extinct Pokemon were putting pieces on.
Aerodactyl flew me into the trench and to a cage. He put me in and a Cranidos locked the door. But then the first thing I noticed was that a Lileep took all my pokeballs as Aerodactyl put me in the cage. The second thing I noticed was that there were two other people in the cage: the girl with the Evee and Marill, and Joseph.
?JOSEPH! How did you manage to get caught again?? I said as soon as I noticed him.
?How did you get caught?? He replied.
?How did you get caught twice??
?I was cornered.?
?You have at least five water types!?
?You have a water type and a fighting type!?
?Girls, girls, your both pretty,? the girl said finally stepping in. ? I?m Jessica,?
She held out her hand to me. I didn?t shake, I was to mad at Joseph. ?Well. We?ll be in here for a while so I thought we might as well get comfortable with each other.?
?Joseph, did you get caught before her?? I asked, ignoring Jessica.
?Wellllllllllllll,? said Joseph, looking away.
?He did! He was here when I got here!? Jessica said, butting in.
Joseph slugged her in the arm. She winced and glared at him.
Jessica was tall. She had long, silky, black hair. She had pale skin, which stood out against her dark hair. She wore a purple dress that went to her knees.
I looked out the cell and saw multiple other cells, all filled.
One had Joseph?s Pokemon. It contained Minun, Frillish, Prinplup, a Buizel, a Quagsire, and a Qwilfish. Another had Jessica?s Pokemon. There was Evee, a Marill, and an Azurill. The final cage contained my three Pokemon: Chimchar, Poliwag, and Mankey. All three of us had no way of escaping without our Pokemon.
In the cage directly across us, my Pokemon were entertaining themselves. Mankey, like always, was training. He was punching in the air. Poliwag was lying down using water gun. The water came down and splashed her face. Chimchar was bouncing a ball. He bounced it in a way that the ball bounced from the floor to the wall and back to his hand. He kept repeating this. His head was on a hand, a sad look on his face. But Chimchar looked up and saw me. He smiled and ran to the bars of the cell, his ball falling onto the floor. We nodded to each other at the same time. We had a special relationship with each other where we always knew what each other where thinking.
I whispered the plan to my cellmates and the agreed. I punched Joseph in the jaw. He stopped, stunned, for a second and looked at me angrily. He punched me in the stomach. I kicked him in between the legs. All the guards, even the ones guarding the other cells, came to try to break us up. But we where all interrupted by a sudden whistling from behind the guards. They turned around. Mankey, Chimchar, and Poliwag were standing there, Mankey twirling a key around his finger. Poliwag suddenly used a water gun, easily fainting two Cranidos. But then the plans were ruined.
All three of my Pokemon were levitated into the air, and thrown into the cell, slamming into the cell wall. The door swung closed with no one touching it. It locked. The keys were pulled out of Mankey?s hand and set back on the holder just outside the cage. This was not good. They had a psychic type. That was not good.

*********

I woke up from my sleep. I must have fallen asleep during my flashback. But that didn?t concern me. A voice woke me. No one else was awake. It must have been nighttime, but I had no way to tell because there was no way for sunlight to get into the prison anyway. But it only woke me.
?Scar? Scar you awake?? the voice asked. It was in my head.
?Ye-? I was interrupted by the voice.
?Don?t say it, think it. Well, you?re obviously awake. How would you and your friends like to leave??
?Would we!? I thought.
?I think I found out how to get you guys out.? The cell door swung open and awoke Joseph and Jessica. I stepped out. The door was closed behind me; my ?friends? had the door slammed into my face.
?Choose one of your Pokemon,? the voice said.
?Hmmm?? I thought. Mankey had been practicing, and Poliwag had an advantage. ?Chimchar,? I thought.
?All right,? the voice said. Cranidos got Chimchar out of the cage, the others staying asleep. Cranidos took us down a hall, and he took several turns. We ended up in a giant battle arena. On the other side, there stood nine Pokemon. Kabutops, Omastar, Aerodactyl, Armaldo, Cradily, Rampardos, Bastiodon, Archeops, and Carracosta. Behind them was a red light, floating in mid-air.
?Choose your opponent,? said the voice. I knew the voice was in a relationship with their leader, but he was a traitor.
?If I win this, we go. If I loose, oh no,? I thought. ?Rampardos. No, Aerodactyl. No, Bastiodon! No? Rampardos.
? Very well.? The Rampardos stepped forward. Chimchar did the same. ?Begin!? the voice yelled in my mind.
Rampardos ripped a chunk of rock out of the field. He chucked it at Chimchar. Chimchar jumped out of the way, it slamming into the floor making dust jump up. When the dust was gone, Chimchar was up close to Rampardos?s face, using his fury swipes. Rampardos barley blinked, and then hit Chimchar away with a slash of his claw. Chimchar slammed into the rock and fell on the floor, injured.
Chimchar used his slack off, restoring his hp. He them looked at Rampardos and used flamethrower. When the fire was gone, Rampardos was running at Chimchar, his head stretched out in front. Chimchar jumped out of the way and Rampardos slammed into the rock, breaking it in half. Rampardos turned around angrily. He made rocks float out of the ground and fly at Chimchar. This was ancient power. Chimchar dodged them all, except one, which hit him square in the face. Chimchar fell, almost fainted. Chimchar?s blaze activated. Like at the pond, he went out of control. He used flamethrower, shooting out a stream of scorching flames, on Rampardos continually, running in a circle around him. All Rampardos?s attacks missed, hitting the floor behind Chimchar.
Rampardos fell to one knee. Chimchar finished it with a flame wheel, spinning, and catching on fire, slamming into Rampardos. Rampardos fainted.
?Natu! Natu, Natu, Natu!? I heard from behind the final evolutions.
?Dus! Dus Duskull!? A response came from the red light in the air.
?Na!? The Natu that was talking from the shadows used its psybeam. It sent a blast of psychic in the darkness. There was an explosion. All the last evolutions ran away. All the first evolution guards ran away.
?Duskull!? There was a floating flame, and it was sent flying at the Natu, fainting it.
The Duskull came out of the shadows. It was a small, floating pokemon. It was black with two bones on the back of him. He had to little stubs as hands. On his face was a front of a skull, covering the real face. It had two eyes, but one bright red pupil, going from one eye to the other. We look at each other. He flew out a hole in the ceiling.
?No! Please! It wasn?t me, it was Joseph!? I yelled at him. I slowly scaled up the wall and managed to squeeze through the hole in the ceiling. It was dark outside in the wasteland. Duskull was three yards away, looking in my direction.
?Please! It wasn?t me! It was Joseph! If I knew he was going to release you, I wouldn?t have let him in the house. Please!? I pleaded with him. A teardrop fell from my eye and splattered on the floor. Duskull flew over to me and wiped the wetness from my eyes.
?Duskull. Duskull Dusk.?
?I miss you too,? I held out a Pokeball. He reached his hand out but hesitated?


characters(no spaces): 11,749
characters(spaces): 15,742
should be: 10k-20k
aiming for:Duskull
(\ /)
(O.o) copy bunny into ur profile 2 help
(> <) him achieve world domination

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/sh...p?t=113933 [URPG]
white friend code = 1163 3080 5669
black friend code = 4900 0608 8088
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#2
I'll claim this.
[Image: pokmon-use-thundershock.gif]

"ALLAREFRED" WinterVines 7:15 pm
nightgowns aren't for sleeping silly
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#3
Okay, just before I start this grade, I want to say something. I’ll address it in more detail later, but for now, here it is: your story was hard to read because of the format it was in. If I have made any mistakes or missed anything important I apologise, but it was because your story wasn’t well formatted. Anyway, here we go:

Introduction

Your introduction makes use of a framing device, which is a good way to start. It leaves the readers thinking and wondering about how the frame relates to the story. It would have been nice if you made it more noticeable, but I digress once more. Good job so far.

Once we’re into the actual story, things get a bit more confusing. Apparently Scar just captured a Mankey which had stolen his hat. However, you then go on to say that Scar was in a helicopter. How did the Mankey manage to get into the helicopter to steal his hat? If anything, I’d think that the Mankey would run away from the loud scary machine. You could argue that it got angry enough to swing up into some trees and jump up or something, but that’s really something that should be elaborated on. For that matter, how does Scar have access to a helicopter, and what is he doing wherever he is?

Anyway, soon after Scar meets up with Joseph, but once more, you don’t really give much of a backstory to explain to your readers just who Joseph is and how Scar knows him. There’s a throwaway mention of him being there when Scar caught his Poliwag, but again, this is something that should be elaborated on. Anyway, a battle then starts, although the reasoning behind it is a little bit strange, and with this, the story begins. A battle is a good way to start a story, gets the blood pumping and introduces an early form of conflict.

Introductions are supposed to give the reader all the information they need to enjoy the rest of the story, things like descriptions of people, backstories of characters, and a time and place. While your introduction has an interesting frame and it sets the scene, it could do so a lot better. You should talk more about how Scar met Joseph and caught Poliwag, and clearing up a few outstanding questions like the Mankey thing and where this adventure exactly takes place.

Plot

Your story’s plot is the most intriguing part. It’s confusing at times, and yet I frequently see flashes of awesomeness poke through. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have a great plot, but it’s buried amongst a few errors and inconsistencies. For example, if Joseph was only met when Scar caught his Poliwag, how could he be the one to release Scar’s first Pokemon? Or maybe that was just a mistake and you meant to delete that part, but then why wouldn’t Scar react angrily when he realises that the person he just rescued was Joseph? My theory is that you kind of accidentally mixed up the characters of Joseph and Nick seeing as Nick was mentioned once and then never again and Joseph somehow had Scar's stolen PokeBalls or something, but this is something that desperately needs to be cleared up.

Anyway, moving on. Scar rescues this Joseph guy who apparently he knows from before for some reason. They battle him and Scar wins, and Scar gets angry with Joseph for releasing Scar’s first Pokemon. After punching him and walking away, Scar witnesses a girl get captured by some Archen. Shortly thereafter he too is captured and reunited with the girl and Joseph who have been captured as well. They all pretend to fight to escape from the cage they’re in, but the attempt is foiled by a mysterious Psychic-type.

This is where the framing device ends, and everything started to make much more sense. The first half of the story was actually a flashback, which is a common storytelling method and quite a good one. I’m glad to see you have some knowledge and experience with writing.

However, things got a lot more confusing plot-wise from then on. For some reason, Scar is made to battle with one of the Fossil Pokemon. When he and Chimchar defeat the Rampardos, it is revealed that the Psychic-type is a Natu, which for some reason gets angry and causes an explosion. Duskull then causes the Natu to faint, and Scar chases after it, explaining that it was Joseph who released it and not himself, and the story ends with the Duskull trying to decide whether or not to return.

The Duskull coming back was absolutely awesome. I’m not sure whether Duskull was just hanging around Scar secretly or whether it was actually Natu’s partner. Personally, I prefer to think that the Duskull was trying to get revenge on Scar for releasing it, but then couldn’t go through with it. Either way, that part was cool. What confused me was why the Natu would challenge Scar to a battle. And then why it would go nuts and cause an explosion for no reason. For that matter, what was Natu’s plan? Did Scar and the others just happen to get in the way, or was it targeting him? If it was targeting him, why? If it wasn’t, what was its actual plan? Finally, how did Natu get access to all these Fossil Pokemon? They’re extinct Pokemon, it’s not like they’re just lying around waiting for a Psychic-type to brainwash them.

I really really like your plot, in theory. The idea that someone’s Pokemon gets released accidentally and then causes them to take revenge but then they can’t do it in the end is an awesomely cool one. However, there are loads of plot holes, especially towards the end, and you desperately need to clear up the confusion with Joseph. That part of the story caused me immense trouble, and is a good part of the reason this grade took so long. Many of these problems could have been fixed with an exhaustive proof-read – I advise you carefully reread all stories you write. Twice.

Dialogue

Your dialogue was very good for a Medium-level story. You have correct speech tags and start a new paragraph with line of dialogue. You also use italics for emphasis, but infrequently, which is definitely the way to use them. In fact, this is probably the best story I’ve read in a long time, dialogue-wise. There isn’t really anything I can say here except for fantastic job. I’ll quote a few minor mistakes and corrections, but in general, fantastic job.

Quote:“No! You beat me! How did you cheat! I declare a rematch!” Joseph said frustratingly.

Try not to use exclamation marks this frequently, it causes them to lose their impact. Also, if someone says something “frustratingly”, it means you’re being frustrated by it. I think you mean that Joseph is frustrated, in which case it would be better like this:

”No! You beat me? How did you cheat? I declare a rematch,” Joseph said, sounding frustrated.

Quote: “Wellllllllllllll,” said Joseph, looking away.

Dragging syllables and sounds are usually designated with an ellipsis (three periods), so:

”Well…” Joseph replied, looking away.

Quote: “If I win this, we go. If I loose, oh no,” I thought. “Rampardos. No, Aerodactyl. No, Bastiodon! No… Rampardos.

Just missing the end speech mark there. Once that’s been put back in there, you’re fine.

Quote: “I miss you too,” I held out a Pokeball.

The first comma shouldn’t be a comma, it should be a period. Commas inside speech indicate that you’re about to say who spoke, but you don’t. There’s no following speech tag. We can assume that it’s you, since you hold out a PokeBall, but you should never make that assumption. If you’re not going to use a speech tag, that’s fine, but then you should end the speech with a period, not a comma. That means it should look like this:

”I miss you too.” I held out a PokeBall.

Grammar

Okay, like I promised, I’m going to say a couple things about the formatting of your story. Firstly, while it’s not technically wrong, centred blocks of texts are really jarring to read. Just leave it as focused to the left, or if you really want to, justified. Don’t centre entire stories. Secondly, in the URPG (and on the Internet in general) paragraphs usually have a space in-between them to make it easier to read. For example, the scene where they get caught would look like this:

Aerodactyl flew me into the trench and to a cage. He put me in and a Cranidos locked the door. But then the first thing I noticed was that a Lileep took all my pokeballs as Aerodactyl put me in the cage. The second thing I noticed was that there were two other people in the cage: the girl with the Evee and Marill, and Joseph.

“JOSEPH! How did you manage to get caught again?” I said as soon as I noticed him.

“How did you get caught?” He replied.

“How did you get caught twice?”

“I was cornered.”

“You have at least five water types!”

“You have a water type and a fighting type!”

See how much easier that is to read? It especially helps in the more blocky parts of stories, like descriptions and battle scenes.

Anyway, technically you haven’t done anything wrong yet. That’s just some advice. And in general, your grammar was pretty good. There’s just a few things that really jumped out at me that I’ll quote below.

Quote: He threw a pokeball witch released a small pale pokemon with big light blue ears

That “witch” should be spelled “which”.

Quote: “I wonder where the Cranidos were headed,” I thought to myself. I found a very tall tree. I slowly and carefully climbed to the top of the tree. I looked out and saw the nearest city. I look to the right and saw a large wasteland. I saw the Cranidos. I looked a few feet away on the ground, still in the forest and there was a girl with an Evee and a Marill.

All of those sentences start with the word “I”. Seven in a row. That gets really jarring and irritating to read. Try changing it up, like “My eyes latched onto a tall tree, which I slowly and carefully climbed. It didn’t take me long to locate the nearest city.” Also, Eevee is mis-spelled, but that’s minor.

Quote: The cell door swung open and awoke Joseph and Jessica. I stepped out. The door was closed behind me; my “friends” had the door slammed into my face.

I think you mean slammed into their faces. It’s really hard to slam a door into Scar’s face when Jessica doesn’t have Scar’s face – she has her own.

Finally, Pokemon moves are always capitalised, like different species. Whenever you say “shot a water gun”, it should really be “shot a Water Gun”. Ditto with moves like Flamethrower and Psybeam. Also of note is “pokeball” – the usual spelling is “PokeBall”, with the capital B, but you’ll rarely get told off for leaving that out. The P definitely needs to be capitalised, though. Same with Pokemon – always a capitalised P.

Detail

Your detail and descriptions were good. You described what most of the Pokemon look like, which is a common mistake. Always describe every Pokemon – just assume that your readers have never seen any Pokemon before. I particularly liked the descriptions that you gave of the Cranidos and the Minun.

Your battles were also really good – I liked the battle between Joseph and Scar. You described the physical blows and electrical attacks, instead of just saying that they happened. That’s very important in a good story – always imagine that you’re painting a picture or making a movie. What does a Karate Chop look like? How does a Thundershock sound as it flies through the air? What noises do the Pokemon make as they fight? You could have included a few more descriptions for your readers’ secondary senses (what things felt like, sounded like, etc) but your fights were fine.

One thing I missed was a description of the protagonist. His name is Scar, although I imagine that’s an affectation and not his real name. I find it hard to believe that many mothers would consent to call their child “Scar”. Aside from that, very little information is given about him. It’s hard to describe a first-person protagonist, and you definitely shouldn’t just say “Hi, I have blond hair and big feet” but it’s still good to have a description in there so that your readers can picture him in their head. To me, Scar was just some grey blob moving through his world.

Also, one point of contention – it’s usually not explicitly stated exactly how a Pokemon is released from a Trainer’s care. The more common forms I’ve seen involve the Pokemon simply being left somewhere, or their PokeBall is destroyed, or there’s a process involving some kind of complicated machine. I’m not sure that Joseph could simply sneak up to Scar’s room and press a button and presto, Duskull is now released.

Anyway, in general your characters and locations were well described, and most of it made sense, so well done. Definitely above Medium-level.

Length

In the URPG, we count spaces, so the correct character count is 15,742. Since Duskull is a Medium-level Pokemon, you’re definitely above the minimum requirement . Your story didn’t really feel stretched or amputated either, and that’s something that’s more important than some silly arbitrary number. Like I said earlier, it would have been good to see some more backstory and that would have lengthened it a little bit, but you have more than the required 10,000 so you’re good. Your story had a logical beginning, middle, and end, so all is well.

Climax

Your climax was good. Chimchar fighting the Rampardos was exciting, as neither of the Pokemon really had an advantage over each other. Both Pokemon showcased lots of their abilities, and I particularly liked your use of the Blaze Ability. The battle could have been a little bit longer, but you definitely didn’t drag it out, which was good. Few things can cause a story to crash harder than a climax which drags on and on and on.

Almost as important as the climax is the part just after it. If your climax occurs too early, the reader feels let down and out of place. However, simply ending on the climax isn’t always a good idea, and you made the right choice in this case – there was some cleaning up to do. You had to explain why the Fossil Pokemon were kidnapping people, and you had to reintroduce Duskull somewhere. Once he saved you from Natu, the scene at the end was touching, and it didn’t last long, which kept the battle climax valid. Very very well done.

The only criticism I can make is one that I’ve already made – it didn’t go for very long. Perhaps you could have made Chimchar start to fight another Fossil Pokemon – an Archen, maybe – as it’s Scar’s distress at seeing Chimchar get hurt over and over that pushes Duskull into helping him. That would have been a valid reason for Duskull’s character development. Anyway, what you had was good, just be wary of short climaxes.

Overall

Overall, this was a very promising and enjoyable story that was let down in a few places. The driving force of the story was absolute genius, but this was damaged by the plot holes and the confusion with Joseph’s relationship to Scar. In the end, however, I decided that the overall quality of the story was high enough for Duskull Captured!

In future stories, please double space your stories and leave them aligned to the left. Also, you absolutely must proof-read your stories – that’s not a request, that’s a command. Otherwise, just watch your spelling and make sure your characters have decent backstories, and I’m sure you’ll do great. I look forward to reading your next story!
[Image: pokmon-use-thundershock.gif]

"ALLAREFRED" WinterVines 7:15 pm
nightgowns aren't for sleeping silly
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