Operation Ketchum HUB
#1
HUB for my other ongoing story. Please post reviews here.


Part 1 Graded

Part 2 Needs Graded

Part 3Needs graded

Part 4Needs Graded

Part 5Needs Graded

Part 6Needs Graded

The Oldest of FriendsNeeds Graded

A Friend's PleaNeeds Graded

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#2
Here is your Chapter 1 Grade for your story @Mlouden03. I apologize for taking so long!

Diction & Presentation - Basic

An interesting opening to the entirety of the story. Playing into the viewpoint of Giovanni brings a refreshing dynamic to the Pokemon anime narrative. As such, I enjoy the difference from a more traditional "anime" based story. However, this story suffers from repetitive word choices which really drags the whole flow of the narrative down. For example in the third paragraph with Giovanni's monologue, you repeatedly use "to himself" when describing the thoughts. Given this is one entire section devoted to this concept, there doesn't need to be the constant call back to himself. 

Another problem I see throughout the story is given a good example in the following sentences. "Giovanni had come so close to domination of the pokémon world… but he got in his way. Him and his motley crew." Given this is said at the very beginning of the story, who is "he"? If someone isn't knowledgeable about the anime for some reason, they would have no idea who is being referenced here. Usually if you are going to use pronouns in a sentence without any sort of noun to directly point to, the target of the pronoun should be somewhere in the previous sentence & clearly identified. Otherwise, you leave the reader clueless as to who you are referring to. For all the reader knows, you could be referencing Giovanni himself in that sentence since he was the only applicable target of the pronoun. Careful consideration needs to be placed on how the reader might interpret the words, and you should never imply the reader has the same level of knowledge as you when creating vague openings like this.

"He slammed his fist on the desk for emphasis, satisfied with this ultimate plan." <- This type of sentence has a redundant statement which makes the sentence read very poorly. By adding, "for emphasis" to the sentence, you're artificially trying to incite a perception in the reader. You could easily remove those words and create a stronger sentence as a result, as it would be implied that he is slamming his fist for a powerful effect. This type of issue is also scattered through bits of the story. Description is nice, but there are definite times where it is not required to achieve the intended effect.

Grammar & Style - Basic

A nice effort in this chapter to achieve a consistent style to the narration. The reader can get a sense that Giovanni is desperately trying to find a way to thwart Ash, and his disdain for the failures of Jessie, James & Meowth. As mentioned above, its a nice change of pace from seeing a story about the anime from the side of the heroes.

As for your grammar, there are several noteworthy issues. Most of them revolve around poor sentence structuring. In particular, there are a couple sentences I'd like to highlight from early in the chapter which illustrate what is found throughout. "A rather stern-looking man, stood with a large cat near a window in his office, high above the streets, contemplating." <- From the first paragraph, this sentence is incredibly choppy with commas. Instead, "A rather stern-looking man stood contemplating near a window in his high-rise office, with a large cat beside him. <- This sentence cleans up the choppiness and delivers the same message in a more palatable manner for the reader.

"Well, sir, we tried to catch that Pikachu for you again… and we got sent flying… again. We landed in Viridian Forest, and all the trees broke our fall, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they broke a couple bones as well. I can’t exactly feel my left leg completely. " <- This is the other example I'd like to highlight. For starters, excessive comma usage again makes the sentence read really fragmented and not as smooth to scan over. This is probably the most common mistake I see while reading your piece. Secondly, "for you again" & "sent flying... again" is a redundant use of the word again. Even with James' naturally bumbling personality, it would be more believable and more easily readable if the first use was completely omitted.

Pokemon Integration - Basic

This section is hard to decisively grade, as the story doesn't have a clear focus on a Pokemon. Yes Ash's Pikachu is mentioned given Team Rocket's obsession with it in the anime, but even then it doesn't feel like the target of the story. It's more of an accent to the narrative. As such, I'm awarding Basic because of your solid use of the anime as a backdrop & using certain locales such as Orre & Viridian Forest in your chapter. Even though this is a cash-story, having a focus on some aspect of a Pokemon can help make the grade elevate. As such, there wasn't enough consistent focus on Ash's Pikachu or any other Pokemon to warrant going any higher.

Character & Plot Unity - Basic

There is some plot progression done as this is obviously the introduction to a much larger story arc. As such, the plot is clearly being driven towards trying to draw Ash Ketchum to Orre for a confrontation with Team Rocket. It is also established that Giovanni clearly hates Ash for interfering with his plans, although the mention of killing someone is a little extreme for a story not labeled for such mention. However, there isn't much else added to the plot in this particular section. As such, the ability to give a clear primary plot point with a fairly defined reasoning moving forward is worth giving the Basic designation to.

Setting - Basic

As I noted in the "Pokemon Integration" section of this grade, you mentioned several areas in your chapter from the Pokemon world such as Orre where the plot seems to be progressing next. As for the setting for the chapter itself, we are clearly at the Team Rocket HQ in Saffron City. We are also told that the majority of the chapter takes place in Giovanni's personal office. Everything else is largely unexplored other than the fact that the office is near or at the top of the building. There was a good effort to establish the base setting for the chapter, and that is enough to confidently get the Basic designation from me.

Dialogue - Intermediate

The strongest area of your story, you have really tried to drive the story along through your use of dialogue. As a majority of your story is devoted to the dialogue, I feel this can be rewarded the most. However, there is something I would like to address. When you do your monologues, you tend to needlessly drag out an idea. There is nothing wrong with adding monologues to build up character, but you have to keep the narrative focused on an idea. Rambling on repeatedly detracts from the overall reading experience, and it can make the reader tune out form the rest of the story if not careful. Despite that, I applaud your commitment to making dialogue a substantial component of the chapter.

OVERALL: Simple

Nice opening chapter in terms of the driving of a central plot & building some character depth with your dialogue. However, the technical writing needs to be seriously worked on. Even the best laid plots and narratives can be hampered if the technical aspect isn't honed properly. Just keep practicing and you'll get the hang of it! As for now, you achieved the Simple rank and have earned $7,500! Congratulations!
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