In Which Cosmo Duels a Honedge
#1
With my extremely recent arrival in this community and eagerness to participate in the upcoming NP event I felt it proper to begin filling in the critical gap between "where did this guy come from?" and "looks like he's gonna try to help us with giant pokemans". Given that Cosmo is front and center this story won't make much sense if you haven't already seen his character application. If that cripples the story's ability to stand on its own merit, so be it.

I think I'm trying to catch a Shinx (am I doing this right?).

For kicks I also recorded a vocal reading of this story. Here's the audio for those who would prefer listening to eyeballing.


Things I did do beforehand:
- Spellcheck
- Read the "how to write stories" page
- Cut out a bunch of audio yelling at my cat because she was making noise

Open to and appreciative of critique.
  Reply
#2
Chatted w/ Cosmo, claimed for a concise grade!
  Reply
#3
pokeball Things you did great on: pokeball
  • Vivid descriptions! Everything, from the surroundings to each of the character’s movements, is beautifully described. I can visualize the way that Cosmo hauls himself from the ground with that push down onto his knee, and I can visualize the way Honedge swoops and slashes in battle as a possessed sword freed from the limitations of having a wielder. You choose precise, descriptive words to get exactly the meaning you intend to shine through!
  • Limited but effective world-building and characterization! We get so many details from the aforementioned precise descriptions that contribute wonderfully to the world you construct. “The world is small and noisy; a truly alien ecosystem blooms around the visitor…” Immediately, our own interpretations of this spring forward, while establishing our main character at the same time!
    Action! Action! Action! You keep us interested and engaged in the battle right up until the end with your descriptions of their choreography.
  • Unique story structure/method. Sometimes, URPG stories struggle with the courage to disconnect a story from what you’re doing—capturing a Pokemon. Sometimes, this leads to typical stories that end with an attempted capture. While there’s nothing wrong with those, your story is a refreshing reminder of the versatility of the Pokemon world, and a reminder that a URPG story really can be anything under the sun, including a brief brawl on an alien planet with a possessed sword!

pokeball Things you could improve on: pokeball
I want to note that this was a difficult section, as I had very few areas of improvement. However, these are the two main ones:
  • Matching your sentence structure to your scene. This is by no means a requirement for this rank, but merely a more advanced suggestion since I can see that you’re a more advanced and definitely experienced writer! You use a lot of “dependent, independent” clause structures that makes your writing flow languidly along. This works great for a lot of the story, but this meandering takes away some of the energy and urgency. You do great with this bit: “The soul-bound sword thrashes with equal parts majesty and rage, slicing, stabbing, dodging, thrusting.” These short, descriptive staccatos are energetic! Zippy! Alive! Step out the fight choreography into quicker, shorter sentences and bits like this to give the reader the impression of things speeding up as they devour the increasingly brief sentences, or find another literary tool to communicate that energy.
  • Including your capture target in your story. I know that you intended this to capture a Shinx, but unfortunately, it doesn’t seem as if you’ve featured a Shinx in the story. This is a requirement for capture attempts; the Pokemon must be involved in the story in some way. However, fortunately, Shinx is a Pokemon that can be purchased easily with money from the PokeMart! Drabbles like these are great for cash attempts that can net you the money to buy that Pokemon in the Mart, which you’re poised to do here!

pokeball Verdict pokeball
  Reply
#4
Cash story it is! Thank you very much for the grade.
  Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)